MONDAY MENTIONABLES - Titles We Give Ourselves

Last Thursday, at our support meeting, we heard from a breast cancer survivor - a member of Lifting Hearts. And there is something that she said that has caused me to reevaluated my life, and my priorities. As she introduced herself, she listed all of her titles, some of which were... Wife ~ Mother ~ Sister ~ Friend ~Psychologist ~ Cancer Survivor. Then, at one point in her talk, she acknowledged that we were all survivors, and that is a great thing. But, then she cautioned us to not let the title of "survivor" be the first title we give ourselves.

The next day, I saw this quote by Goethe: "Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least." Now, I'm not saying that some of the things we do in our lives - some of the roles and titles we take on - are the "least", but they definitely are less important than other roles.

I've done a lot of thinking this week, and I've made some pretty heavy decisions:

1. I'm stepping away from a charity I've been volunteering at - Four of Hearts. I was on the board of directors - their financial director - and now... I'm not. It took up a tremendous amount of time, and although the things I did with this charity were good, compared to time with my family, they were the "least".

2. I've also decided to get a part time job. This is a hard decision for me - although I'm feeling so much better after dealing with breast cancer, and I can now work with no problem, I've enjoyed the time I've had at home, working on things that are important to me. However, my family needs the extra income, and so... I'm going back to work.

The one thing that I can't, and won't, give up, is my time spent on Lifting Hearts. This group, with all of the wonderful survivors I've met, is my lifeline. I am happy when I'm helping the women in this group, and I don't ever want to quite. These decisions are going to change my life a bit - the efforts that I put into Four of Hearts will now be directed at producing an income for my family that will go to college tuition and funding LDS missions for my kids. I'll have to arrangement my time a bit differently, depending on the job I get, so that I'll have time for my family (first) and Lifting Hearts (second). All of these changes are making me a bit nervous.

However, I'm happy with the changes I've made so far. I'm happy to focus more on my family. I'm still a survivor, but that title has moved down on my list a little bit. And the more important titles are at the top - I'm a wife and a mother first. It's time to move the "survivor" title down the list, take the things I've learned from being a survivor, and apply them to the rest of my life.

-Kara

MONDAY MOTIVATION - IN THE ARMS OF A MOTHER

This weekend was a momentous one for our family. We were all together for what will probably be the last time - at least for about 4 1/2 years. My oldest son, Grant (23), came home from college to spend some time with us. We spent Saturday as a family - it was Michael's 21st birthday. We had a great time together. Family pictures were in order. Even though it snowed in the morning, we were able to go in the afternoon and spend time at the Utah State Hospital grounds - what is referred to as "Provo Castle" - for pictures. This is a really old, rock amphitheater - we got some great pictures (I hope - I have yet to see them). We laughed, and laughed, as we tried to be serious for the pictures. Grant took them - he has started a photography business - and I saw just how hard and time-consuming it is to set a picture up that you, yourself, have to be in. But, I'm grateful I could have him do that. The kids played around on the grounds - even going so far as to have races rolling down the hill. You'd think they were all under 5! We went to lunch - something that doesn't happen very often because of the cost. And, then, that night, Michael, Grant, Rick, and I went to see the movie, Atlas Shrugged - something we'd been waiting to do for awhile. We've all read the book, and couldn't wait to see the movie. Anyone who hadn't read the book (Alex and Matthew), had to stay home! ;-)

All in all, it was a wonderful day - a special kind of day that we don't often get to have. And won't, again, for a long time. You see, Grant is leaving the country for a summer job, and he won't be back until the end of August. Michael is leaving on August 3rd for an LDS mission - we won't see him again for 2 years. He'll leave before Grant comes home. And then, Alex (who is almost 17), will most likely leave for his mission before Michael returns home. He, also, will be gone for 2 years. By the time he returns home, we will probably have more members of the family. So, this really is probably the last time we will be a family - together - just the way we are right now. My heart is breaking just a little bit at the thought.

Late Saturday night, Rick gave Grant a priesthood blessing - a father's blessing (something we do in our church) for his protection and safety. And then Grant spent some time giving Michael advice about his mission. It was very tender. There was a lot of weeping.

If you would have driven past our house on Saturday night - just a little bit after 10:00 pm - you would have seen what looked like a football huddle out on the lawn, next to Grant's car. It was actually a huddle hug. We all grabbed each other, and hugged tight - arms wrapped around bodies. It felt, to me, like something was ending. Some precious, special time. I can't adequately describe it. Of course, I was the only one who felt like my body was cracking apart. With a house full of boys, there is usually some confusion at to why Mom is crying at any given point! But, I'm so grateful for that time - for the huddle hug. A mother needs to have her arms around her children sometimes. Ah... those beautiful, beautiful boys of mine!

As I've been reflecting on my feelings this weekend, I've tried to pinpoint why I had to have that time - just the six of us. Why was it so important to me? 2.5 years ago, when I was diagnosed with cancer, that's all I wanted - to gather my kids and husband around me, and not let them out of my sight. My son, Grant, was on a mission in Japan, and I could physically feel that hole in my life. I remember not being able to sleep at night, and roaming my house - looking in on my children and watching them sleep. If I could just touch each of them each day, that was enough to get me through whatever the day held. Why is that? Why is it that at every momentous time in our lives, having family near is so important? As important as food or water, or even air.

As you can probably tell, I'm having a hard time with this changing time in my life. I don't want my kids to grow up and leave. As a mother, just the thought rips my heart to shreds. But... life goes on, doesn't it? We grow, we survive, we thrive. We look forward - not backward - and continue to find joy in simple things. Things like putting our arms around our children, or feeling gratitude for a sweet neighbor who serves us, or even just waking up to another beautiful day here on this earth.

I hope all of you can find something that will give you joy - no matter what you have to face in the future.

-Kara